Crazy Thoughts

Crazy Thoughts that Meander through My Brain

1. Have you ever…

2. Been a little envious of some of the beautiful actresses on TV – in your age bracket – when they do a shower scene? I’m not talking a total nude shower scene – just those scenes where you see their head and the water is running off their hair and face. They all look so beautiful with the glistening water and the hair all plastered back. Well, ladies!! I have discovered in my new home that because of the way our shower is set-up, you actually get a slight reflection of yourself on the one side – right where your head lines up. AND I will tell you right now… on behalf of women everywhere… I looked just as hot as those women did! Yep. Now, I don’t know if it is a water thing or the slightly hazy reflection, but my hair was slicked back and the water ran down it and I looked mighty good! So my suggestion is for you to hang a mirror in your shower – only at head height because I think water illusion can only do so much magic – and take a look at yourself with your head back and water running down your hair and face and feel really, really good about yourself even slightly sexy! I dare you.

1. Have you ever…

2. Sat at a bus stop and wondered what would happen if you got on and let it take you where it would take you? Now, I posted this on FACEBOOK this week and I think it probably came across as an adventure – however – I posted it with a very different crazy thought process.

3. I was having a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Unfortunately, it wasn’t one of those bad days where things just went wrong and askew. It was one of those days where my mental health issues were front and center. It is not fun dealing with a mental health disease. For one it is next to impossible to explain to someone why you are crying or upset or quiet because in your head it all sounds so dumb and crazy. Your rational brain is fighting for control but the crazy brain sometimes is stronger and gets out of control. So you know that the majority of the crazy thoughts are crazy but you just can’t turn them off and can’t make them rational.

With a disease like diabetes, you can explain to people what is wrong – perhaps let them know the symptoms. But it is really hard to explain my symptoms. So I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day and I went for a walk outside so that I could clear my head and not let everyone see me cry. I walked over to the bus stop and sat down. And I wondered. I wondered what would happen if I just got onto the next bus – I wondered, where it would take me. Would it take me away from all my issues? Would it solve my problems? What would my family do without me? How would I reconcile my selfish desire to eliminate my own self-esteem issues, perfection issues, hurting heart issues with leaving my family whom I love so dearly.

So I sat there for a while waiting for a bus. Waiting for a bus that would not take away my anxieties or fears. Waiting for the Magic school bus that would whisk me into a world of rainbows and unicorns. I waited for a bus that would never come. So I got myself up, shook myself off, wiped away the tears and walked back inside. There would be no magic bus for me that day. (Besides… how far could I really get on a Winnipeg transit? Transcona? Not sure my mental health would benefit – haha!!)

1. Women have crazy brains to begin with – fabulous, wonderful, imaginative – but slightly crazy brains. We balance and we juggle. We are sometimes strong and at other times weak. We tend to overthink. (I am generalizing, so if you are a woman who has their brain put together – than I salute you!)

Me? I’ve been told that people with an artistic flair, a mighty imagination and a creative side tend to have more anxieties than others. Why is that? Probably because of that crazy imagination. We zoom from 0 – 80 in seconds. Our imaginations run wild with the what-if’s and the could-it-be’s and on and on. Here is an example (My husband uses this often with others when trying to explain his kooky but sexy shower babe.):

When we still lived in Gretna we would often take trips into the city. We had three vehicles and 9 out of 10 times at least 2 of them were on the go. The girls would head out to Winkler to visit friends or Dexter to the city to visit buddies and so on and so forth. On one particularly lovely Friday afternoon, Bernie and I were heading into the big city. I think it was Jozanna that was out Winkler way with our other vehicle. As we drove out of Gretna and just got past the pig barn… the marker that told us to switch our MTS phones back to Roaming (if heading North)… and we passed a police car. Lights were not on, no siren, just a car driving by. We kept driving. I was behind the wheel. We were just this side of Altona when I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I blurted out the thoughts that were rolling in my head for the past five miles.

“Bernie. Do you think that Jozee is ok? … Well, we passed that cop car. … well, what if they were on their way to our house to tell us that Jozee had been in an accident. What if she is hurt really bad? How are the police going to find us to tell us? They don’t have our cell numbers. Will someone in town have our numbers? What if we go to the city and then come back and then find out that she is hurt in Winnipeg? Then we might be too late to get to her if she is hurt so bad she dies?” And the whole time my eyes are welling up with tears and it has no longer just a thought – it is a reality. She has died. I have buried her. And I (for crying out loud, I am crying as I type this!!) didn’t say good-bye.

Bernie: “That is where you went when we passed the cop car?”

Tammy: “yeah.”

Bernie: “Here is what I thought: ‘Oh, cool. Always good to know that cops come to Gretna to patrol the streets once in a while. If we get that hot dog combo at Costco we could share the hot dog and get poutine alongside that. Would be a cheap and really good supper.”

So once again, Bernie had to fight to find the rational neurons in my brain and set them straight. My tears fell back into my body, I managed to turn off the craziness and we had a great time in the city. (But… secretly, I did text Jozee just to make sure she was ok!)

So ladies and gents – have you had moments when these crazy things wander into your minds? Am I alone? I truly wish I was because it is no fun. My heart hurts for those who can’t find ways to turn the irrational off. Depression. Anxiety. These are illnesses. I have a fantastic doctor who cares about me. She cares about my faith. She helps me to understand that this isn’t about a lack of faith or a loss of contact with God. This is a disease and I need to treat it as one. God is good. He walks with me in the dark. He celebrates with me in the light. He holds my hand and he provides me with a patient husband, a kind doctor, and gracious children.

And so I walk through this life… sometimes I will stop and sit at a bus stop… but I pray that I will be able to get off that bench and keep walking.